Sunday, July 17, 2005
argh. today was so wasted.
i went to taka with my parents
coz they wanted to shop.
but when we reached i found out
they were there for a meeting
to sell a plot of land in
Spain.like, they had land in Spain??
i scratch my head.
but!! they
promised to buy me
something i wanted from kino
for accompanying them.
they promised.now i had to walk around kino
on my own.
with no money.
so i followed them around taka
while they stared at random stuff
which they considered buying but didnt.
such a pain.
i actually would have agreed to get
that swimming costume.
it was nice.
but the
one suit i agreed to,
they didnt want to buy.
such a pain.
then they had to go for the meeting thingy.
and they wanted me to buy things from
kino.
alone.with absolutely no money at all.for goodness knows how long.so i had to follow them to the meeting
as well.
such a pain.
there was this weird argument going on
about who had the documents for the
plot of land.
it wasnt very friendly.
so i read spiral.
they were still trying to figure out
what happened to the documents when
i finished it.
everybody should know how slowly
i read chinese.
so i was bored.
i stoned.
then i realised that i could actually
be walking down
therein kino.
so i asked my mum whether
i could go down.
she was bored too.
so she said ok.
and then i asked her
um. i have no money?
and she gave me ten bucks.
wow. i can so
totally actually getsomething with ten bucks.
but she would give me no more.
i didnt want to stay in that room
anymore anyway.
so i went down.
and stared at manga.
and walked some more.
and did lots of random stuff.
like laugh at this weird kid
telling his younger brothers how wonderful
team Rocket was as if he could read
the
japanese pokemon book he was holding.
and walk into the japanese section
to find it was incredibly quiet,
grab a random book called sakura,
read the first line about some guy's
hand relaxing on some handle of something,
and put it down.
and doing some japanese workbook
in my head
(obviously one cannot write on them
there.)and staring at the tactics artbook
with shiny eyes
which i obviously decided to be the one thing
for them to buy me.
then
finally after three hours my parents
came down.
i was happy.
my dad asked me
so what do you wanna buy?
i said, its expensive.
he told me never mind.
so i showed him the book.
he admired it.
then he asked me
how much is it?
i turned it over.
it read $76.50. wow.
my dad said no immediately
and he walked away.
they promised.that really hurt me.
it was the first time my dad ever
hurt me so deep.
i was betting,
hoping he would
finally for the first time in my life
buy me something that i
really wanted
so i could for the first time in my life
thank him from the bottom of my heart
so we could both be happy.
i
really was betting on that one chance
for us to actually get close to each other.
i have no idea how else to.
both of us dont express what we think at all.
it really hurt.
it hurt so bad i started tearing.
not for the book, but because
he didnt even consider about how
much that actually meant to me.
about how i waited patiently for him
for three hours walking around
dreaming about how we could get
closer after i got the chance to thank him
for
something.he looked at me and thought i was
sulking and being petty.
he gave me a disgusted look.
but i wasnt.
i wasnt.i just kept thinking over and over
about how this one chance
which i had been waiting for
for my whole life had been ruined
in a split second.
i dont feel like continuing any more.
lalala.
-let me cry alone, where no one can see me.i know i won't feel better, but,perhaps if i wish hard enough,my tears could fill up this hole i feel in my heart.i just really wanted to tell you 'thank you'but fate doesnt seem to want to give me a chance.you won't see this i know, but hopefully one dayyou could just come across it,and realise how much it hurts me.i may seem selfish, i may seem childish,but i know deep down in my hearti was thinking like a childabout how i could bring us together.about how i could make this fantasy of minea reality.right now, just leave me aloneto cry in peaceover these shattered fragments ofthe broken pieces of our relationship.hah. i am capable of angst.
